Thing 1: To put off the laundry for so long that when you discover you have no quarters for the washing machine you're forced to walk all the way to the university wearing nothing but an anorak and swim trunks.

Thing 2: Ordering chintzy romance novels using the name of your underage daughter. When she finds out about the scam, hand her a sack of books and claim that it's an early Christmas present.

Thing 3: Paying an extra $3.00 for full service just to see the cute guy who works there bending over the pumps. Purchase gas at least twice as often as necessary.

Thing 4: While rummaging through your record collection, a friend discovers Milli Vanilli (substitute Ace of Base for those not living with the eighties). You say that the tape belongs to your sister, and you don't know how it got there. Afterwards you put it on and dance.

Thing 5: When friends start talking about their children, you talk about your dog.

Thing 6: Hover over the remote like a vulture while watching the Discovery Channel for three hours straight just for a twenty second glimse of Dr. Caroline West in a pair of biker shorts.

Ataraxia Theatre is an anthology of different stories by Joseph Hewitt. It updates every Monday and Thursday.